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[16 Dec 2005|01:54am] |
i have written the DUMBEST entries...
seriously i had no idea what a douche bag i was.
i just went through and deleted most of em.
it's funny how much has changed. i was so immature and depressed and i didnt even realize it. no wonder i was such a nerd in high school.
i wont be updating this livejournal anymore- i really dont think so.
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[12 Aug 2005|11:38pm] |
Life throws you curves, but you learn to swerve. Me, I swung and I missed.
::Chandler Bing voice:: Could life BE more curvey?
I wish you could just kill yourself and wake up in a different life. Wait, that sounds kinda like reincarnation.
So the rentals just decided a couple nights ago that they wont allow me to go to Lee. What do I have to say to that? YEDDIGHT. I am so going. If I can find $4,000 in the next few days I'm goin.
You know... summer never announces precisely when it's leaving. You just wake up one day and its gone. Well today is that day. I had a one night stand with summer. Now it's gone. And I miss it.
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[05 Aug 2005|12:44pm] |
So apparently the lead singer of Something Corporate has cancer and thats why he couldnt make it to warp tour.
What will the world be like without Something Corporate?
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[05 Aug 2005|12:43pm] |
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Brie Swartz, my best friend, has now moved to Florida. Devastation.
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[05 Aug 2005|12:43pm] |
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The Island is a thought-provoking movie.
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[30 Jul 2005|03:56pm] |
its muh burfday!!!
18 baybee
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[24 Jul 2005|10:35pm] |
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New journal background n summer pics-
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[23 Jul 2005|04:36pm] |
could life get any better?
hung out with drew katy and jonathon and saw land of the dead. strange movie.
panama city was amazing.
Im going to the switchfoot concert tonight with a guy named ryan. he's like the 7th ryan in my phone book.
Ikea shopping with Vic and Katie this week!
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[05 Jul 2005|08:00pm] |
Making the best memories...
So summer started off amazingly and then I had to go to Mexico for two weeks which was an awesome trip. In between getting back from Mexico and now, I've had so much fun. My sister got married this weekend. Seeing all our friends and family was absolutely awesome. My sister's husbands family is so amazingly awesome... I loved every second of being around them. My sister looked amazing. The parties were so fun. There was a surplus of alcohol every where and I definitely took advantage of it. Dustin was the best date I could have ever asked for- He and Will are awesome dancers. So what else... fourth of July spent at Lenox... Kennesaw Mountain runs with Brie... numerous trips to A-town with Emma n one time we decided to go to Piedmont park and it just happened to be GAY PRIDE DAY so we called up our friend Hank who we met on the Mexico trip and lives in the ATL n he rescued us... cleaned Will's room for 30 dollars... one of Wills roommates is so incredibly hot. and taken:-(... Got Panama City trip in 11 days. Woot. Discovered the game of padiddle thanks to Joseph. LoL everyone I've talked to thinks that game is so old but I honestly never even heard of it till last week. Brie n I stripped down to almost nothing cuz we sucked so bad at finding cars without functioning headlights.
So all that and SO MUCH more. EVERY day there's a story to tell... Every day has been so fun and hilarious. I just love life and I love summer!
And finally I am ready for school in the fall. Im actually looking forward to it.
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[29 Jun 2005|07:40pm] |
summer is flying by
SOOOOOO FAST.
I have countless stories to tell. But... I dont really feel like typing. Lemme just say this:
Batman begins and Mr. and Mrs. Smith are excellent.
Brie's dad is still hot.
Summer just gets funner and funner.
My sisters getting married this Sunday and the renovations on our house are marvelous.
I freaking LOVE my older sister, Nicole, who's in town. I used to hate her. Now I love her.
Dustin is still hilarious.
I've got everything from this summer on film... my friends and I film constantly and its always so freaking hilarious. Video cams are great investments.
Are we really freaking going to college in a month? ONE month? This is so odd. Im not ready. But then again when am I ever ready for anything. You just gotta take life and roll with it.
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[02 Jun 2005|06:29pm] |
I'm at Suzie's with Brie... the three of us just witnessed together for the first time the Mr. Brightstide video... MAN! It's ABOUT TIME one of these awesome bands had a hot lead singer! He's gorgeous!
Remember, a wise man once said,
"Drop it like it's hot."
...Words to live by.
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[26 May 2005|05:48pm] |
I took too much adderall today. I feel so good. Don’t want to ever come off this high. I barely ever take adderall because I dont like to engage in addictive activities, but I took it today for some reason. Kristin Truitt just called me… cleared up our little discrepancy of two weeks ago. Now we are completely back to normal best buddies. The good thing is, we both never let ourselves drift too far away from being best buddies during this sherade of misconceptions. We’re as good of friends as you can be living so far apart, yet so close, in completely different worlds. We truly are great friends and time just keeps on proving we can handle anything.
That stress has now been lifted off my shoulders!
I love my job now. I love it. I love it. I love it. All the “night-time kids” now work daytime with me since school is out. They are so awesome. The weirdest part: They go to Sprayberry! How did I never ever ever find cool kids like that while I attended that hellhole? Sprayberry and basically public high school can be whatever you make it to be... but at the same time so much of it is up to chance... meeting the right people that you consider worthwhile... getting teachers that influence you as opposed to making you want to learn nothing out of rebellion to them.... stuff like that. These Bellacino people would have made it so worthwhile. I totally need to work on not judging people so quickly... when I first met Lindsey I thought she was stuck up or SOMETHING... i dont know... just another high school obnoxious hideously insecure, arrogant high schooler... I usually lable them all that way till they prove otherwise... but now I realize she's so totally down to earth, polite, a great worker, conversational, and pleasant. Wow I really need to stop making assumptions.
THAT stress has now been lifted off my shoulders!
Here is quite possibly the best part: I've been planning on going to Mexico on a mission trip to build a school. I didnt get all my money in in time. We're leaving June 4th. I thought I could just pay the rest when I got back from the trip. That wasnt the case. Kells tells me, "Okay well you have till June 2nd to get it in." Then today he calls me and says, "Actually you have half an hour or I'm going to give away your ticket bc I found someone who wants to buy it and can pay all of it right now." I instantly called suzie and asked her for the number of the guy that she said might be able to help me out financially...I called him... I miraculously got his number from his secretary. He's on VACATION. I got his vacation house number and to make a long story short he ended up talking to suzie about me after he and I had spoken on the phone for no more than one minute. He said, "I'll give you an 800 dollar check. You can pick it up tomorrow moring. Its a gift, she doesnt have to pay me back." Allll of this happened in exactly HALF an hour! The whole time I was sitting there in my kitchen holding the phone tightly in my hand, I never once worried even though this trip means MORE THAN THE WORLD to me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude... God always works for the good of those who love him. God always goes to bat for me... I dont have to beg... I can simply just say "thank you" in advance for all the amazing things he does. It's not about religion... its not about sin... its not about right and wrong. I'm so sick of churches that beat bibles of peoples heads and throw fear in their faces. Its about relationship.
Wow I'm so tired of typing but I'll go ahead and jot down the second best part of today. --I dont have to do my homeschool final testing tonight! I just nonchalantly called and asked if i could post pone and the examiner said, "sure. Fine." PHEW! I damn near had a heart attack cramming for the test tonight.
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[18 May 2005|03:49pm] |
this weekend was amazing. god so amazing.
Got interrogated by cops with Brie for suspicious behavior.
Get together at the dunkin donuts on sandy plains. at least 20 of us were there. I felt like everyone was chillin in my home town cuz I live seconds away from d and d.
Brie's dad is a freaking DILF. So hot. That's so wrong in so many ways though.
Brie's party rocked. Roooocked.
Manhunt on her many acres of land. the lake, the pool, the playground. niiice house.
Slammed into the front of Kathryn Hayes' car too. Some dumb ass backed up into me so i slammed into reverse and hit Kathryn. Kathryn then proceeded to cuss the girl out and make an ass out of her. it was funny. and sad.
Sunday I went to the play with josephd suzie brie andrew and jason.
andrew and jason showed up in jasons convertible...jason wearing a batman constume and andrew wearing a darth vador costume. it was the funniest thing i have seen in a long time.
too bad jasons a dumb ass though and tries so mother fucking hard to fit in. its hideously apparent.
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[11 May 2005|05:06pm] |
I drove through my old neighborhood tonight.
Had to turn the music up to drown out the heart-wrenching realization that all innocense has been lost.
When I moved everything changed.
Two worlds- Then and Now. Their individuality defined by life before moving and after moving. What is it I find myself missing so much as I drive down the streets I still know like the back of my hand? At first I figured that drop of my heart straight to the floor upon entering good ol' Kathryn Lane again must have been due to sorely missing life back when it was simple- Catching fire flies with the neighborhood kids and four wheeling at the secret lake. Then it dawned on me- in actuality what I miss most is the blissful ignorance of believing that somebody out there was rooting for me. That somebody out there ever gave a damn. No one ever did. And that became all too apparent- that Im "livin life me for me"- simultaneously with the move. "So this is odd. The painful realization that all has gone wrong... and nobody cares at all."
God... I feel like the retarded kid in United States of Leland as he struggles to get his bike over the obstruction of branches in the middle of the bike path. I've reached the point where I throw the bike down and close my eyes, thinking to myself, "This isn't about the bike. This isn't about the branches in the middle of the path. This is symbolic of my life- merely a straw that has now broken the camels back." As restricted as mine and the retarded kid's minds may be, I at least have been able to conclude at this point that I'm weak. And I'm tired. of life. Knowing that this battle with the tree branch is a minor incident that combined with all the other shouts at walls is what my life consists of, I'm hoping Leland will come along and kill me any minute now.
But you know what I'm thankful for? The existence of Mount Paran in both worlds. It's the only thing that withstood the transition.
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| The page has been turned... life is back to being awesome |
[27 Apr 2005|05:18pm] |
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*!~AMAZING WEEKEND~!*.
Wow. I would first and foremost like to annouce, Brie and I have the most amazing adventures... every time we hang out things just happen that make life worth livin, ya know what I'm talkin about? We meet the most amazing people... we discover the most interesting places... we have the most fun.
*!~Friday~!*-
Where to start? Mall with Brie. Happened to unexpectedly catch the three American Idols that were performing at the mall. Got within 2 feet -TWO FEET- of Jessica with her little ripped jean skirt and long black boots extended comfortably to the base of her knees... Amazing singers. Socks... OFF. Starved, were we. Scurried over to Longhorns. Met hot waitor with tounge ring. Now here's the funny thing... I delivered this huge dramatic monologue to Brie about how inadequate our waitor was for repeatedly hitting on Brie and only *seemingly* obligating himself to being nice to me for the sole purpose of scoring points with her... you know... the sweet-talk-the-misfit-best-friend thing? So, in the middle of my spiel, an old friend walks up to me in her red button-down Longhorns uniform and says, "Are you... Anne's sister?" I say, "Yes" and we exchange a few lies. The standard lines- "Yeah you should stop by some time." "Tell the parents I said hello." Out of frustration I mention our abominable waitor I was tempted not to tip and she says, "Oh Ian? He's gay. Yeah. He just broke up with his boyfriend and lives in an apartment with two girls...lesbians." Jaw drops, head swivels sharply to the left, and stops, facing Brie dead on. Jaw still open. Old friend exits scene. To make this long story short, Brie and I have a new, hotttttt, gay friend. And in honor of the grand tradition of ALWAY S wanting the unattainable male, we both suddenly found ourselves lusting after this authentically gay, not bi, sexy piece of meat. There are maaany more details to this story and what we did with him, but I'll leave it at that. And for all you judemental hobos who are struggling to find your purpose in life: If it comforts your feverish mind you can just tell yourself we're witnessing to him by being good Christian friends.
*!~Saturday~!*
-Saturday was so cool I really dont even have the energy to write about it. Josh Wright's party and Old Navy again.
*!~Sunday Afternoon~!*
Patricks house: interesting. Fun times. Brie and I were booked this entire weekend and turned down a lot of other plans to make it to Patrick's. T'was worth it. The band, Genuine, was at their BEST at the performance/concert/thing. Really. I see only good things in their future. It made me happy to think that all those people will be at Lee next year with me.
*!~Love life, or lack thereof~!*
The moon was amazing tonight... huge, bright... Did you get to see it? Brie and I drove to a spot where we could park and gaze... yeah... how gay. Cant find a guy that's worth my time in terms of intelect, personality, and manners. Really cant. Well... I know of a few actually (Jay, Matt, and John are the only prospects that come to mind...except none of them can be considered prospects in the truest definition of the word which is unfortunate, cuz those are some incredible guys whose company I enjoy more than any other males) but the point is- I sadly wasn't driving around with them catching that fabulous red, full, moon. Oh yeah- broke up with Katie and now Brie is my new boyfriend. Sorry Katie. So many high points on this last leg.
~!*Memories*!~
Sooo many more memories stored this weekend. Like... nearly running over two people on a motorcycle... Escapading at Old Navy... Getting pelted with calls from a certain drunk hobo without a clue... Getting FREAKED OUT HILARIOUSLY by my cat JUMPING in the car while Brie and I were randomly parked, sitting there in the dark contemplating plans for the night...Cat falling out of the window at Brie's blood-curdling shrill...
~!*Emma's House*!~
Farewell. Spending the night with Emma tonight. Time to roll through the worst part of the week again...Monday. Igh.
*!~UNITED STATES OF LELAND~!*
Speechless. Not to leave you hanging- It's a movie. See it. Or dont. Cuz you might not be cool enough to handle it.
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[19 Apr 2005|02:34pm] |
Been havin a lot of fun lately--
Caroused around Highland Point. Ended up at Toby and Derek's house. I. Love. Those guys. They took us on a walk around the pollen-infested Highland Point lake. Beautiful, gorgeous day. Beautiful, gorgeous neighborhood. Beautiful, gorgeous people, they are. Funny how so much time has passed... I remember when we lived next door to each other from 3-10 years old. I wish we were still neighbors. Random: 11% of marriages are of people who have grown up together. Yep- Learned that from one of Tara's classes while I was at Lee the whole week.
Been hanging out with Will Stephens. We watched Old School with Will Ferrel in it. Totally wrong in every way possible. And of course that means it was freaking hilarious. I GUFFAWED with laughter.
Last night with Brie- drove through the Taco Bell drive-thru window 3 times. Somehow managed to get our third round of tacos free. Score. God bless Taco Bell. "Thanks. We wont be back." -Brie. Got lost in Woodstock. Passed Bekah's, Vic's, and Brooklyn's houses by accident. Woodstock scares me... It feels haunted. The street signs are black and orange...
O'Charlie's- Emma & Yuri. Dustin got us the hook up. I love how O'Charlie's rolls are but 2% bread- the rest consists entirely of saturated fat and preservatives. I didn't touch those despicable borgas. Had no desire to. I'm sick of being average looking. I'm going to end that tangent before it starts.
Being able to drive to Alpharetta to meet Kristin was amazing. That is one hot biatch! She pulls up next to my car, lowers her recently tinted windows and I'm like !BAM! Somebody hit you with the hot stick!
Oh yeah- and I briefly sat next to Justin in the balcony Sunday morning.... I looked to my right-- Happened to notice guy with tatoo on his arm that indiscreetly read "ANAL." I chuckled. Figured it must have been the end of a word... even though I couldn't think of any word it could possibly have been (other than panama canal) ... his sleeve hiked up a little... *nope* -- no other letters preceded. It definitely just said "ANAL." I told *someone* it made us think of her.
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[12 Apr 2005|11:01pm] |
2004 rocked.
2005 does not rock.
Been nothin but a let down. I hate life right now.
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[08 Apr 2005|03:01am] |
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Loneliness.
It’s as if I only hear the echoes of my own thoughts these days. In my latest extensive searches I’ve found no other source of inspiration to make my thoughts worthwhile, refreshing, or reverberant anymore. There is no pleasure to me without communication: there is not so much as a sprightly thought that comes into my mind that does not grieve me to have produced alone, that does not grieve me knowing that I have no one to tell it to. As I’ve said before, I am growing restless, getting impatient with reluctantly relying on myself as my only source of comfort.
We’re all lonely for something we don’t know we’re lonely for: How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we’ve never even met. I do know this- I found something in him. Something I indeed felt the pain of lacking but could not have specifically requested. That can be taken lightly or heavily, however you like. Either way it’s true. For sanity’s sake I will keep from embarking on the mentally exhausting and altogether counterproductive quest of determining its extent of significance, and will intentionally acknowledge only his impact. He is everywhere I want to be.
"When Christ said: 'I was hungry and you fed me,' he didn't mean only the hunger for bread and for food; he also meant the hunger to be loved. Jesus himself experienced this loneliness. He came amongst his own and his own received him not, and it hurt him then and it has kept on hurting him. The same hunger, the same loneliness, the same having no one to be accepted by and to be loved and wanted by. Every human being in that case resembles Christ in his loneliness; and that is the hardest part, that's real hunger."
-Mother Teresa
To transform the emptiness of loneliness to the fullness of aloneness. Is that the goal here? Is this experience to be fought or embraced?
The heart withers if it does not answer another heart. My heart is withering. And another thing that’s been on my mind...
Acceptance: The race with myself.
With some people, solitariness is an escape not from others but from themselves. For they see in the eyes of others only a reflection of themselves. Someone asked me why his harsh words of disapproval affected me so noticeably. They cut so deeply because they bring to the surface my disappointment in myself- the disappointment I harbor and like to put on the shelf- keeping from dwelling in the reality of it is the only way I know how to allow progress to take place. You think you know me so well. You dont have a clue.
My plan of escape.
There is nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their discomfort like a favorite shirt. This is me opposing such complacency, God. Now inspire me anew. How long can I go on like this? If pain, being negative, is the precursor to change, positive, then please, God, let this state I am in be the precursor to something hugely positive.
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[02 Apr 2005|11:01pm] |
I'm here for the entire week at Lee, the school I'll be attending in the fall. I'm beginning to have second thoughts. Hopefully the rest of the week will revive my past enthusiasm. Right now the campus is dead because it's Lee Weekend. Lee weekend is like orientation for upcoming freshmen. Most students leave campus on Lee weekend. I can't wait till it livens up. That should happen HOPEFULLY by Monday. I wish I was with my friends in Marietta so bad right now it hurts... I hate this feeling.
The incidents of this past week are uninvitedly serging from side to side of my brain... It wouldnt be wise to publically recount the details. I've never enjoyed anyone's company so incredibly much... I've never seen so many good qualities in one person before. I've never stopped to enjoy the moment with any person like I have when with him. He's amazing.
A glimpse of how good things can be...
I have to leave it at that. He might just be like every other guy. I hope not.
Man... I try not to think so much. I try to socialize and think about what I should be thinking about but those thoughts keep interupting my sanity. Today I decided to skip out on campus activities and just take a nap, designating time to process these thoughts that keep barging through my day and give them what they want. But as fate would have it, the moment I lay down I drew a blank. I wasn't able to think.
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[28 Mar 2005|10:40pm] |
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And goodness gracious... I keep getting forced into giving out my phone number to random hobos that are slaves to that certain "emptiness" of the secular world. My incessant failure to utter the words, "Sorry I'm just not interested" is really REALLY starting to irritate me like never before. So yesterday I smile at an 18 year old high school sophomore lurking around Bellacinos, the place where I work, peering inside through the windows. I gave him an Ellie smile. I could just sense that he must have immediately taken that as a signal to flip on his mojo switch as he smiled with a raised brow and gallivanted in the door. Floating around amorously, he makes his way over to me and amateurishly attempts to flatter me while in reality is objectifying me, which I find insulting: "I miss seein you around." "Uhhh Sprayberry?" "No. Here." ::STALKER ALERT:: Hmmm that's freaking odd because I work every single day. Yeah. Completely bad pick up line, you sicko. Get a clue. Just trying to be jovial as I am now obligated to compensate for his extreme defficiency of conversational skills, I try to avoid being over-paranoid. Just as any true douche would do, he left it entirely up to me to say anything remotely meaningful while he stands there gazing at me- Giving me no options but to 1) confess my undying love for him, which in his dazed and confused stalkerish mind is plausible or 2) spark conversation as if I was the one who actually instigated the confrontation. As he stood there expectantly of me, acting as if I had been the one to approach him, I regretfully said to him, "I remember you from elementary school." Then what does that douche bag say??? Like he had just heard me speak the words, "I wanna do you" he slyly says, "Oh... how old are you?" YOU IDIOT! That wasn't a pick up line! I just said I freaking remember you. That's not the newest and coolest pick up line, you d-bag! He says, "Oh well can I holla at you some time?" NO! What the heck are we gonna do? Reminisce about our elementary school days when you were in Special ED and we just happened to have PE together? Here's news for ya: I dont owe you ANYTHING. Quit badgering me for my number! You didn't even talk to me for more than LITTERALLY ten seconds before you decided to hound me for my phone number. Ohhh... I get it... This is where you argue with and coerce me into giving you my number so I can be your f*** buddy (pardon the language). Is that right? ::Rushes to get out a pen and paper:: Sarcasm. Heavy. Anyway I gave him my number because, you guessed it, he didnt freaking get the clue. If I gave him the wrong number he'd STALK ME and probably ask me for the real number as if I'd be obliged to just nonchalantly hand it out upon the second strike of badgering.
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